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Thread: How to give a cat a pill. (Public Information Announcement)

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    S. E. Wales

    Default How to give a cat a pill. (Public Information Announcement)

    1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
    baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and
    gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
    arm and repeat process.

    3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

    4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws
    tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
    right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

    5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

    6 . Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
    rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

    7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
    note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

    8. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
    visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

    9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink one beer
    to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

    10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another
    beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon flick pill down throat with elastic band.

    11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
    Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

    12. Call fire department to retrieve the f****** cat from across the road
    and up a tree. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

    13. Tie the little b*****d's front paws to rear paws with garden twine
    and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from
    shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough
    about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

    14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

    15. Arrange for Cat Protection Societyto collect mutant cat from hell, and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

  2. #2

    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Ashbourne, Derbyshire


    I haven't laughed so much in ages - thanks Mrs.B.
    "I Cache, therefore I am"

  3. #3

    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Fowey, Cornwall


    love this one, so true!! Went to the vet the other day to get some worming stuff for my dear cat. Always use the stuff on the back of the neck, vet nurse asks "tablets ok for you". She must have been having a laugh
    The light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train

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