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Thread: GAGB Pub Chat - "The Jokers propping up the bar"

  1. #1

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    Talking GAGB Pub Chat - "The Jokers propping up the bar"

    A thread to add that good joke you heard recently - Quick! Before you forget it...

  2. #2

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    Default One Sunday morning...

    People were in their pews talking in church.
    Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
    Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling
    each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

    Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

    So Satan walked up to the old man and said, 'Don't you know who I am?'
    The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
    'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
    'No, not me.' said the man.
    'Don't you realize I can kill with a word?' asked Satan.
    'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man in an even tone.
    'Did you know that I could cause you profound , horrifying, agony for
    all eternity?' persisted Satan.
    'Yep,' was the calm reply.
    'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.
    'Not at all,' said the old man.

    More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Well, why aren't you afraid
    of me?'

    The old man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 44 years.

  3. #3
    nobbynobbs Guest

    Default

    I work in a class of 8 year olds. Each day they have a task to do to make them begin thinking. Today's one was:

    How many interesting sentences can you make with the following:

    I like looking at .............
    because...............

    I had to leave the room, bless them, not one of them wrote anything even remotely bad.

  4. #4

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    Default Support for Gordon Brown

    A driver on his way home from work in London comes to a halt in a jam and thinks: This traffic seems worse than usual'
    After a while, he notices a policeman walking towards him between the lines of stopped cars. He rolls down his window and asks: 'What's the hold-up?'

    The Officer replies: 'Gordon Brown has stopped his car up ahead and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire.
    'He says he is fed up because everyone blames him for the sorry state of the economy. He says he is unfairly taking the blame for the credit crisis, the rising cost of food and fuel and soaring taxes.

    'Anyway, we're holding a collection for him.
    The driver asks: 'So how much have you got so far?'


    The Policeman says: 'About 30 gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning.'

    Last edited by Mrs Blorenge; 17th October 2008 at 01:58 PM.

  5. #5

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    Daddy's car in the woods?

    Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
    Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground
    and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

    At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

    At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'

    Mummy fainted!

    Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

  6. #6

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    Default A Day at the Races.

    A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses.
    When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
    The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
    Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'privates' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

    As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
    Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'
    'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race but I appreciate your help.
    Last edited by Mrs Blorenge; 20th October 2008 at 10:22 PM.

  7. #7

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    Default A blonde heads heavenwards...

    A blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter
    met her at the Pearly Gates.

    "I'm sorry," St Peter said; "But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals."

    "That's cool" said the blonde, "What does the Entrance Exam consist of?"

    "Just three questions" said St Peter.

    "Which are?' asked the blonde.

    "The first," said St Peter, "is, which two days of the week start with the
    letter 'T' "?

    The second is "How many seconds are there in a year?"

    The third is "What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"


    "Now," said St Peter, "Go away and think about those questions and when I
    call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me."

    So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable
    thought (I expect you to do the same).

    The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, "I have."

    "Well then," said St Peter, "Which two days of the week start with the letter T?"


    The blonde said, "Today and Tomorrow."

    St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

    "Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?"
    St Peter went on, "How many seconds in a year?"

    The Blonde replied, "Twelve!"

    "Only twelve?" exclaimed St Peter, "How did you arrive at that figure?"

    "Easy," said the blonde, "there's the second of January, the second of
    February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve
    seconds."

    St Peter looked at the blonde and said, "I need some time to consider your
    answer before I can give you a decision." And he walked away shaking his
    head.

    A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. "I'll allow the answer
    to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely
    correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the
    name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"

    The blonde replied: "Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer."

    "Really!" exclaimed St Peter, "And what is the answer?"

    "It's Andy."

    "Andy??"

    "Yes, Andy," said the blonde.

    This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked "How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?"

    "Easy" said the blonde, "Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled..."

    And the blonde entered Heaven...











  8. #8

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    on the subject of blondes....

    Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop. When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver:''Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?''
    The bus driver shakes his head and says,''No, I'm sorry.''
    At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: ''Will it take ME?'
    Happy Caching

    Gazooks

    - Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age.

  9. #9

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    I was just wondering if we should have some jokes about bald-headed men, or something along those lines now? Just to redress the balance?


  10. #10

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Mrs Blorenge View Post


    I was just wondering if we should have some jokes about bald-headed men, or something along those lines now? Just to redress the balance?


    Why do bald men have holes in their trouser pockets?
    So they can run their fingers through their hair!

  11. #11

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    Default


  12. #12

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    A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.
    The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
    "I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
    "And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
    "I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?". "I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.
    Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him,
    "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
    "Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
    So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".
    "Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".
    "At the circus", says the landlord.
    "The circus?", the duck enquires.
    "That's right", replies the landlord.
    "The circus?. That place with the big tent?. With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
    "That's right!", says the landlord.
    The duck looks confused, "What the 'heck' would they want with a plasterer?"

    Well I thought it was funny....

  13. #13

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    Quote Originally Posted by dannable View Post
    ...Well I thought it was funny....
    So did I

    (And it makes a change from the horse 'why the long face?' joke)

  14. #14
    active cacher Guest

    Smile

    Two brooms were hanging in the witch's closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
    One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
    The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
    After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom: 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'
    'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.

    'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

    ......................................
    At least it was clean...boom boom!

  15. #15
    keehotee Guest

    Default

    Here are the winners of the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational, which once
    again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by
    adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supplying a new definition.

    The 2008 winners are:


    1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders
    the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

    2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

    3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
    realize that it was your money to start with.

    4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

    5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
    ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
    of breaking down in the near future.

    6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting
    laid.

    7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. ;

    8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
    who doesn't get it.

    9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

    10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

    11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

    12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad
    vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.

    13. Decafalon: (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
    only things that are good for you.

    14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

    15. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
    come at you rapidly.

    16. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
    accidentally walked through a spider web.

    17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
    bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

    18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the
    fruit you're eating.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly
    contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common
    words.

    And the winners are:

    1. Coffee, (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.

    2. Flabbergasted, (adj.) appalled by discovering how much weight one has
    gained.

    3. Abdicate, (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

    4. Esplanade, (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.

    5. Willy-Nilly, (adj.) impotent.

    6. Negligent, (adj.) absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a
    nightgown.

    7. Lymph, (v.) to walk with a lisp.

    8. Gargoyle, (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.

    9. Flatulence, (n.) emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run
    over by a steamroller.

    10. Balderdash, (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.

    11. Testicle, (n.) a humorous question on an exam.

    12. Rectitude, (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

    13. Pokemon, (n.) a Rastafarian proctologist.

    14. Oyster, (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

    15. Frisbeetarianism, (n.) the belief that, after death, the soul flies up
    unto the roof and gets stuck there.

  16. #16

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    Default

    They're very good

    But I think Team Vinny & Sue have already got that last one (The frisbeetarianism one) as one of their geocaching signature lines on their forum posts.

  17. #17

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    Default The bottle of merlot.

    A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there." ... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
    The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million pounds in the bank and 7 inches in your trousers."
    After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read
    "Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari Maranello, Bentley Convertible, Mercedes SL600, and a Porsche Carrera 4 in several garages; I have beautiful homes in London, Aspen , and Italy , and a 10,000 acre estate in the Scottish highlands. There is over one hundred and sixty million pounds in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."
    Last edited by Mrs Blorenge; 10th November 2008 at 11:57 PM.

  18. #18

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    Having a rough day?

    Here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts.


    It really works. I use it myself daily.


    1. Picture yourself near a stream.

    2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain breeze.

    3. No one but you knows your secret place.

    4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world".

    5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

    6. The water is crystal clear.

    7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.

    See, you're smiling already. I told you it worked!

  19. #19

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    I really like that one!

    I suppose for the slightly less stressful occasions you could amend it to read

    7. Place a decent-sized geocache there.

    Not such a strong dramatic image, but a little light geocaching can usually sooth the soul, I find.

  20. #20

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mrs Blorenge View Post
    I really like that one!

    I suppose for the slightly less stressful occasions you could amend it to read

    7. Place a decent-sized geocache there.
    8. Get told by your friendly local reviewer that the final of that mystery cache you've been having sleepless nights over for the past 6 months is a skanky micro in a hedge 1/20th of a mile away :wacko:
    Last edited by *mouse*; 11th November 2008 at 06:40 PM. Reason: whoops - should have logged Ali out before I posted.....

  21. #21
    keehotee Guest

    Default

    ditto......




    mwahahahahahahahaha.........

  22. #22

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    Oh noooooo! This isn't going off topic into an anti-micro thread, is it??

    <MrsB hastily attaches guy ropes and drags the thread back on topic and nails some pegs in...>


    Quick! Someone tell another joke!


  23. #23

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    Default Nutrition

    It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
    1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
    2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
    Americans.
    3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
    4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
    5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

    CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

  24. #24
    sTeamTraen Guest

    Default

    MrsB's joke reminds me of the allegedly true story told by Simon Hughes about the Barbadian fast bowler Joel "Big Bird" Garner. At a party, Garner, who is 6ft8 tall, was asked by a female admirer if "everything else is in proportion". "No," he replied, "If everything was in proportion, I'd be 10 feet tall".

    Now back to the jokes:

    Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn, that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

    Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

    Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?' Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

    Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, 'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.' She agreed, then afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep.

    Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.

    He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?'

    His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny ...but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.'
    Last edited by sTeamTraen; 12th November 2008 at 07:03 PM.

  25. #25

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    A couple of cachers were looking in a grave yard, reading the headstones.

    One called out 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'

    The other asks 'Whats his name?'

    'Miles from London!' came the reply
    Paved Roads: Another fine example of unnecessary Government spending!

  26. #26

    Default It's a record?

    Snow White, Tom Thumb and Hunch Back Of Notre Dam are all having a drink when Snow White realizes they could be onto a world record.

    ‘Well I’m the most beautiful person in the world, Tom Thumb is the smallest man in the world and old Notre Dam over there is certainly the ugliest person in the world’. She told the group in delight.

    So Snow White phoned up the Guinness Book of records, told them of the record they could set and as a group they were asked to go to the Guinness Book of Records office.

    Off they all trot and were asked to sit outside an office until called in for an interview with a panel.

    Snow White goes in first. Five minutes later she comes out.

    ‘Oh my, oh my they agree I am the most beautiful person in the world and now want to interview Tom Thumb. Off you go Tom you must surely be the smallest man in the world’.

    In goes Tom and five minutes late he comes out jumping up and down, doing forward rolls and tumbles.

    ‘Yey hey, the panel agree I’m the smallest man in the world and now want to see old Notre Dam. Go on you old minger, your so ugly your bound to get this record in the bag for us.’

    ‘Yes, go for it Notre Dam you ugly brute. We’ll have the record you’re so flipping ugly’.

    In goes The Hunch Back of Notre Dam but five seconds later comes out. Face like thunder, almost in tears.

    ‘Notre Dam what is wrong?’ asked Snow White.

    ‘Well, we haven’t got the world record and who is Camilla Parker Bowles anyway?’
    Ho hum!

  27. #27

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    The Aisle Seat


    Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine. 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

    As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

    As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors.. 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and Peeing in Cokes?'
    Happy Caching

    Gazooks

    - Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age.

  28. #28
    sTeamTraen Guest

    Default

    Good one; I think it must be 30 years since I first heard it. Then it was Rangers v Celtic, told by Billy Connolly. Only it wasn't spit (but close...) in the shoe, and the drink was Bovril.

  29. #29

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    Default An incredible story...



    In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

    On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

    He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

    Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.


    Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs lifted him and slammed his head against the railing, killing him instantly.

















    Probably wasn't the same elephant.












  30. #30

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    Three women are about to be executed. One''s a brunette, one''s a redhead, and one''s a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!" Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
    Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
    The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"
    Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"
    Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
    By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"
    And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
    Happy Caching

    Gazooks

    - Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age.

  31. #31

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    Bit quiet in here...

    Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.

    After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing. The following week they met up again to compare notes.

    Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'

    The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

    The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action.

    When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'

  32. #32

    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Cambridge
    Posts
    572

    Default

    The other night a woman was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' She told her husband that she would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' she said. Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
    Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, she headed for home.

    Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
    Quickly, realizing her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another 9 times.

    She was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 Cuckoos (MIDNIGHT!)

    The next morning her husband asked her what time she got in, She told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem annoyed in the least.

    Whew, I got away with that one! She thought

    Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

    When she asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh ****.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
    Happy Caching

    Gazooks

    - Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age.

  33. #33

    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    Anywhere the mood takes us
    Posts
    2,538

    Default

    A Welshman buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
    After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
    The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer
    doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
    The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

    The man hangs up and gives it some thought.

    He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

    So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to
    bed.

    Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't
    take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

    He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

    Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

    "Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day ******** the sheep and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed.

    The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.

    He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

    "No," she says,


    :
    :
    :



    "They're all in the Land Rover, and

    one of them is beeping the horn!

  34. #34

    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    S. E. Wales
    Posts
    1,223

    Default Get your priorities right...

    Jacqueline and her husband Marc went for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
    Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, he unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as her husband Marc watched with a raised eyebrow. Jacqueline shut up, buttoned up her blouse and quietly sat down, as though in a daze.
    The therapist turned to Marc and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. What do you think?'

    Marc thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go geocaching.'

  35. #35

    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    Anywhere the mood takes us
    Posts
    2,538

    Default

    A husband walks into Ann Summers to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £150 to £500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

    Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy ), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the £500 refund for myself.'

    She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

    The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for £500, they'd at least iron it!'

    He never heard the shot.

    Funeral on Thursday at Noon.

    Closed coffin.
    Last edited by DrDick&Vick; 15th December 2008 at 11:37 AM. Reason: bold

  36. #36

    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Cambridge
    Posts
    572

    Default

    Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the Party...

    As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, Next to them, a single red rose!


    Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, Spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, Cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

    Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

    'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian. '

    He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

    Jack asks,' Son... What happened last night?'

    'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,And got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

    His son replies, 'Oh THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,.......

    'Leave me alone bitch, I'm Married!!''


    Broken Coffee Table £139.99
    Hot Breakfast £4.20
    Two Aspirins £0.38
    Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS
    Happy Caching

    Gazooks

    - Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age.

  37. #37

    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Fowey, Cornwall
    Posts
    8

    Default Beer is good for you!

    The Buffalo (beer) Theory
    . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

    This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

    In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

    In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

    That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." :cheers:
    The light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train

  38. #38
    keehotee Guest

    Default

    After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was
    enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't
    strong enough to nick one.

    The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't
    want to have any more children.

    The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would
    fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to
    go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the
    can up to his ear and count to 10.

    The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the
    world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my
    ear is going to help me.'

    'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.

    So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the
    can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he
    paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue
    counting on his other hand.

    This procedure also works in Bristol, Middlesbrough, Newcastle,Yorkshire,
    anywhere in Wales and Ireland..................

  39. #39
    keehotee Guest

    Default

    A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to
    take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the
    time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

    He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies,
    nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying
    on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows
    up to the shore.

    In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'
    She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here
    when my cruise ship sank.'

    'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up
    with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of
    raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree
    branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern
    came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

    'But, where did you get the tools?'

    Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the
    island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I
    fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile
    iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'

    The guy is stunned.

    'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing,
    she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he
    nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an
    exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

    While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,
    the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house,
    she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please.

    Would you like a drink?'

    'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed.

    'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,'
    winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

    Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit
    down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the
    woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.
    Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in
    the bathroom cabinet.'

    No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There,
    in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells
    honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel
    mechanism.

    'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

    When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically
    positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to
    sit down next to her.

    'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,

    'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's
    something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something
    you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes .

    He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....

    'Bl***y hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'

  40. #40
    keehotee Guest

    Default

    A bloke goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

    The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
    He replies, 'Yes - caffeine.'

    'Have you ever been in the forces?'
    Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'

    The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.' Then he asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?'
    The guy says, 'Yes...an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.'

    The interviewer grimaces and then says, 'O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now.
    Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day.'

    The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me here until 10:00 A.M.?'

    'This is the civil service,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.

  41. #41

    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    S. E. Wales
    Posts
    1,223

    Default The Wedding Night

    Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon,
    so they go back to Fred's Mum and Dad's house for their first night together.

    In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
    As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mum if
    Fred and Mary are up yet.

    She replies, 'No'.

    Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

    His Mum replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!
    Just go to school.'

    Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his Mum,
    'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

    She replies, 'No.'

    Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

    His Mum replies, 'Never mind what you think!
    Eat your lunch and go back to school '

    After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
    'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

    His Mum says, 'No.'

    He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

    His Mum replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'

    He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...

    I gave him my airplane glue.'

  42. #42

    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Between Barnsley and Doncaster
    Posts
    102

    Default Lipstick In School

    According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently
    faced with a unique problem.

    A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it
    on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they
    would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

    Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls
    would put them back.

    Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the
    girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She
    explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the
    custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the
    yawns from the little princesses).

    To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
    maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a
    long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
    Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

    There are teachers ... and then there are educators.

  43. #43

    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Near Morpeth, Northumberland
    Posts
    69

    Talking Disney - but not for kids...

    Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in the divorce court.

    Mickey goes upto the stand.

    The Divorce Judge stands up and says:

    " I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't grant the divorce on the grounds that Minnie has crooked teeth "

    Mickey says...


    wait for it...


    " I never said she had crooked teeth, I said she was f*cking Goofy... " :

    "Finding oneself is the quest of life...”

  44. #44

    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Between Barnsley and Doncaster
    Posts
    102

    Default Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!

    Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so
    priceless and so easy to see happening - customer service, being
    what it is today!


    A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and
    March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and
    Then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance
    Had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

    A family member placed a call to the ANZ Bank: *

    Family Member: *
    'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.' *

    ANZ: *
    'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
    apply.' *

    Family Member: *
    'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.' *

    ANZ: *
    'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.' *

    Family Member: *
    So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?' *

    ANZ: *
    'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to
    the credit bureau, maybe both!' *

    Family Member: *
    'Do you think God will be mad at her?' *

    ANZ: *
    'Excuse me?' *

    Family Member: *
    'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her
    being dead?' *

    ANZ: *
    'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.' *

    Supervisor gets on the phone:
    Family Member: *
    'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.' *

    ANZ: *
    'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
    apply.' *

    Family Member: *
    'You mean you want to collect from her estate?' *

    ANZ: *
    (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?' *

    Family Member: *
    'No, I'm her great nephew.'
    (Lawyer info given) *

    ANZ: *
    'Could you fax us a certificate of death?' *

    Family Member: *
    'Sure.'
    ( *fax number is given *)

    After they get the fax: *

    ANZ: *
    'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I
    can do to help.' *

    Family Member: *
    'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing
    her. I don't think she will care.' *

    ANZ: *
    'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.' *

    Family Member: *
    'Would you like her new billing address?' *

    ANZ: *
    'That might help.' *

    Family Member: *
    ' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery , 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number
    1049.' *

    ANZ: *
    'Sir, that's a cemetery!' *

    Family Member: *
    'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?'

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