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Thread: GAGB Pub Chat - "The Jokers propping up the bar"

  1. #1

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    Talking GAGB Pub Chat - "The Jokers propping up the bar"

    A thread to add that good joke you heard recently - Quick! Before you forget it...

  2. #2

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    Default One Sunday morning...

    People were in their pews talking in church.
    Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
    Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling
    each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

    Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

    So Satan walked up to the old man and said, 'Don't you know who I am?'
    The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
    'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
    'No, not me.' said the man.
    'Don't you realize I can kill with a word?' asked Satan.
    'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man in an even tone.
    'Did you know that I could cause you profound , horrifying, agony for
    all eternity?' persisted Satan.
    'Yep,' was the calm reply.
    'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.
    'Not at all,' said the old man.

    More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Well, why aren't you afraid
    of me?'

    The old man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 44 years.

  3. #3
    nobbynobbs Guest

    Default

    I work in a class of 8 year olds. Each day they have a task to do to make them begin thinking. Today's one was:

    How many interesting sentences can you make with the following:

    I like looking at .............
    because...............

    I had to leave the room, bless them, not one of them wrote anything even remotely bad.

  4. #4

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    Default Support for Gordon Brown

    A driver on his way home from work in London comes to a halt in a jam and thinks: This traffic seems worse than usual'
    After a while, he notices a policeman walking towards him between the lines of stopped cars. He rolls down his window and asks: 'What's the hold-up?'

    The Officer replies: 'Gordon Brown has stopped his car up ahead and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire.
    'He says he is fed up because everyone blames him for the sorry state of the economy. He says he is unfairly taking the blame for the credit crisis, the rising cost of food and fuel and soaring taxes.

    'Anyway, we're holding a collection for him.
    The driver asks: 'So how much have you got so far?'


    The Policeman says: 'About 30 gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning.'

    Last edited by Mrs Blorenge; 17th October 2008 at 12:58 PM.

  5. #5

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    Default



    Daddy's car in the woods?

    Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
    Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground
    and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

    At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

    At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'

    Mummy fainted!

    Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

  6. #6

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    Default A Day at the Races.

    A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses.
    When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
    The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
    Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'privates' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

    As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
    Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'
    'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race but I appreciate your help.
    Last edited by Mrs Blorenge; 20th October 2008 at 09:22 PM.

  7. #7

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    Default A blonde heads heavenwards...

    A blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter
    met her at the Pearly Gates.

    "I'm sorry," St Peter said; "But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals."

    "That's cool" said the blonde, "What does the Entrance Exam consist of?"

    "Just three questions" said St Peter.

    "Which are?' asked the blonde.

    "The first," said St Peter, "is, which two days of the week start with the
    letter 'T' "?

    The second is "How many seconds are there in a year?"

    The third is "What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"


    "Now," said St Peter, "Go away and think about those questions and when I
    call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me."

    So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable
    thought (I expect you to do the same).

    The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, "I have."

    "Well then," said St Peter, "Which two days of the week start with the letter T?"


    The blonde said, "Today and Tomorrow."

    St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

    "Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?"
    St Peter went on, "How many seconds in a year?"

    The Blonde replied, "Twelve!"

    "Only twelve?" exclaimed St Peter, "How did you arrive at that figure?"

    "Easy," said the blonde, "there's the second of January, the second of
    February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve
    seconds."

    St Peter looked at the blonde and said, "I need some time to consider your
    answer before I can give you a decision." And he walked away shaking his
    head.

    A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. "I'll allow the answer
    to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely
    correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the
    name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"

    The blonde replied: "Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer."

    "Really!" exclaimed St Peter, "And what is the answer?"

    "It's Andy."

    "Andy??"

    "Yes, Andy," said the blonde.

    This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked "How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?"

    "Easy" said the blonde, "Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled..."

    And the blonde entered Heaven...











  8. #8

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    on the subject of blondes....

    Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop. When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver:''Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?''
    The bus driver shakes his head and says,''No, I'm sorry.''
    At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: ''Will it take ME?'
    Happy Caching

    Gazooks

    - Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age.

  9. #9

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    Default



    I was just wondering if we should have some jokes about bald-headed men, or something along those lines now? Just to redress the balance?


  10. #10

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Mrs Blorenge View Post


    I was just wondering if we should have some jokes about bald-headed men, or something along those lines now? Just to redress the balance?


    Why do bald men have holes in their trouser pockets?
    So they can run their fingers through their hair!

  11. #11

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    Default


  12. #12

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    Default

    A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.
    The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
    "I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
    "And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
    "I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?". "I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.
    Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him,
    "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
    "Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
    So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".
    "Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".
    "At the circus", says the landlord.
    "The circus?", the duck enquires.
    "That's right", replies the landlord.
    "The circus?. That place with the big tent?. With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
    "That's right!", says the landlord.
    The duck looks confused, "What the 'heck' would they want with a plasterer?"

    Well I thought it was funny....

  13. #13

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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by dannable View Post
    ...Well I thought it was funny....
    So did I

    (And it makes a change from the horse 'why the long face?' joke)

  14. #14
    active cacher Guest

    Smile

    Two brooms were hanging in the witch's closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
    One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
    The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
    After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom: 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'
    'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.

    'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

    ......................................
    At least it was clean...boom boom!

  15. #15
    keehotee Guest

    Default

    Here are the winners of the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational, which once
    again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by
    adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supplying a new definition.

    The 2008 winners are:


    1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders
    the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

    2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

    3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
    realize that it was your money to start with.

    4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

    5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
    ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
    of breaking down in the near future.

    6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting
    laid.

    7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. ;

    8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
    who doesn't get it.

    9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

    10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

    11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

    12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad
    vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.

    13. Decafalon: (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
    only things that are good for you.

    14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

    15. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
    come at you rapidly.

    16. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
    accidentally walked through a spider web.

    17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
    bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

    18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the
    fruit you're eating.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly
    contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common
    words.

    And the winners are:

    1. Coffee, (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.

    2. Flabbergasted, (adj.) appalled by discovering how much weight one has
    gained.

    3. Abdicate, (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

    4. Esplanade, (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.

    5. Willy-Nilly, (adj.) impotent.

    6. Negligent, (adj.) absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a
    nightgown.

    7. Lymph, (v.) to walk with a lisp.

    8. Gargoyle, (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.

    9. Flatulence, (n.) emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run
    over by a steamroller.

    10. Balderdash, (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.

    11. Testicle, (n.) a humorous question on an exam.

    12. Rectitude, (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

    13. Pokemon, (n.) a Rastafarian proctologist.

    14. Oyster, (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

    15. Frisbeetarianism, (n.) the belief that, after death, the soul flies up
    unto the roof and gets stuck there.

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