GAGB Pub Chat - "The Jokers propping up the bar"

[Mrs Blorenge]

A thread to add that good joke you heard recently - Quick! Before you forget it...

[Mrs Blorenge]

People were in their pews talking in church.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling
each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, 'Don't you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'No, not me.' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill with a word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man in an even tone.
'Did you know that I could cause you profound , horrifying, agony for
all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Not at all,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Well, why aren't you afraid
of me?'

The old man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 44 years.

[nobbynobbs]

I work in a class of 8 year olds. Each day they have a task to do to make them begin thinking. Today's one was:

How many interesting sentences can you make with the following:

I like looking at .............
because...............

I had to leave the room, bless them, not one of them wrote anything even remotely bad.

[Mrs Blorenge]

A driver on his way home from work in London comes to a halt in a jam and thinks: This traffic seems worse than usual'
After a while, he notices a policeman walking towards him between the lines of stopped cars. He rolls down his window and asks: 'What's the hold-up?'
The Officer replies: 'Gordon Brown has stopped his car up ahead and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire.
'He says he is fed up because everyone blames him for the sorry state of the economy. He says he is unfairly taking the blame for the credit crisis, the rising cost of food and fuel and soaring taxes.

'Anyway, we're holding a collection for him.
The driver asks: 'So how much have you got so far?'


The Policeman says: 'About 30 gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning.'

[Wadders]

Daddy's car in the woods?

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground
and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'

Mummy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

[Mrs Blorenge]

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'privates' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'
'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race but I appreciate your help.