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Thread: a little light hearted joke or two..

  1. #1
    nobbynobbs Guest

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    10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

    9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

    8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see one without an erection, make him a sandwich.

    7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

    6 - Some people are like a Slinky... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

    5 - Health freaks are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

    4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

    3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you 50 quid and a substantial tax cut saves you 50p?

    2 - In the 60s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

    AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006:

    They know exactly where any untaxed car is located among the millions of cars in Britain......

    But they haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located.
    Maybe we should put the DVLA in charge of Immigration.......



    >>>TWO GUYS AT HOME DEPOT LOOKING FOR THEIR WIVES
    >>> >>
    >>> >> Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts
    >>>around Home
    >>> >> Depot when they collide.
    >>> >>
    >>> >> The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm
    >>>looking
    >>> >> for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I
    >>>was going."
    >>> >>
    >>> >> The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm
    >>>looking for
    >>> >> my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little
    >>>desperate."
    >>> >>
    >>> >> The old guy says, Well, maybe we can help each other. What
    >>>does your
    >>> >> wife look like?
    >>> >>
    >>> >> The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red
    >>>hair,
    >>> >> blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's
    >>>wearing tight white
    >>> >> shorts.
    >>> >>
    >>> >> What does your wife look like?"
    >>> >>
    >>> >> The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours!"
    >>>



  2. #2
    Cave Troll & Joan Guest

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    Good ones :P
    Nice to see a bit of humour on here.

  3. #3
    Kitty Hawk Guest

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    This one arrived with me the other day. I have others, but they are getting worse and while I like recieving them, there are some I would be ambarrassed to post here!

    While I was driving down the A1 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a policeman on the
    other side with a radar gun, laying in wait.

    The policeman pulled me over, walked up to the car and with that classic,
    patronising smirk, asked "Michael Schumacher is it"?
    To which I replied. "I'm late for work."
    TO which he asked, "What do you do?"
    "I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
    The policeman was surprised and confused.
    "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
    "Well," I said "I start by inserting one finger then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can stretch and stretch and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole until it's about 6 feet"
    Then the policeman asked questioningly and cautiously. "And just what do you do with a six-foot ********?"
    To which I politely replied, "You give it a radar gun and park it behind
    a bridge..."

    Speeding ticket: 105
    Court Costs: 45
    Look on copper's face: Priceless....

  4. #4

    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Location
    Newcastle upon Tyne
    Posts
    134

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    Snoring

    Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl, however, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

    The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next
    morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

    They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

    The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.

    They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that D aryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

    The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushytailed.

    "Good morning." They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
    Moss The Boss... Sorta

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