1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd
found a cat, but it was

"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked
her pupil. "Because I
pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered
the child innocently.

"You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the
boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five


"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"

"No, you had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of

I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to
smack you!!"

Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."


"When you come in to smack me, can you bring a
drink of water?"

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always
getting into mischief,
finally asked him "How do you expect to get into

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run
in and out and in and out
and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says,
'For Heaven's sake, Dylan,
come in or stay out!'"

4. One summer evening during a violent
thunderstorm a mother was tucking her
son into bed.

She was about to turn off the light when he asked
with a tremor in his
voice, "Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave
him a reassuring hug.

"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in
Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky
little voice:" The big

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning
service, for the children's

All the children were invited to come forward. One
little girl was wearing a
particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down,
the minister leaned over and
said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your
Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the
minister's clip-on microphone,

"Yes and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron."

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third
child, my three year old
came into the room when I was just getting ready
to get into the shower. She
said, "Mummy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby
growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your

7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He
said to himself, "Two plus
five, that son of a bitch is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he
was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math
homework, Mum." "And this is how
your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother

"Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked
the teacher the next day,
"What are you teaching my son in math?" The
teacher replied, "Right now, we
are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to
say two plus two, that son
of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
"What I taught them was,
two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the
story of Chicken Little
to her class. She came to the part of the story
where Chicken Little tried
to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken
Little went up to the
farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what
do you think that farmer

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think
he said:

'Holy ****! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name,
would reply, I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this
was wrong, she must say,
"I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday school, and said,
"Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm

10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go
outside and play with the

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the
boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments
and asked,

If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her

She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad
gets his hair cut, Eating
a snack cake the barber says to her, "Sweetheart,
you're gonna get hair on
your muffin."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs

Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to
someone else!!